wompwomp

Pretty sure no one is following my blog at the moment, which isn't totally unexpected because the last time I posted was almost a year ago.  Anyway, to any weight loss veterans it will come as no surprise that after doing Ideal Protein (a crazy starvation diet) I lost about 25 lbs in 2 months...and proceeded to gain it all back in the next 6 months or so.  Whoops.  I kind of want to beat myself up about this, and I spent the last few months doing that.  In fact, I was too terrified to weigh myself until just now because I was sure that I had gained 500 lbs.  I faced my fear of the scale, and found that I had gained exactly 20 lbs since my last real weigh in, back in November.  So, I feel kind of bad about that.  I mean, I felt a lot worse about it in the last few months and thought I was absolutely terrible, but I've made peace with myself recently.
I knew I had gained some (and was pretty sure it was in the 20-30 lb range) and made a plan to lose 40 lbs by the end of the summer.  I thought this was totally realistic and that I could just not eat and exercise my ass off and it would happen.  So after two weeks of frustration I went to the nutritionist yesterday and whined about how I did't think I was losing any weight (of course I had no way of knowing because I was too scared to weigh myself).  I told her what I'd been doing and she said that I wasn't eating enough calories, that my goals were unrealistic, and that the only way I would be satisfied would be to adjust my expectations.  I literally almost cried.  And for anyone who knows me, I absolutely never, ever cry.  The last time was over a year ago.  Anyway, this was a huge blow to my ego because I was sure that I could starve my way down to the 120s-130s by August.  As the co-director of an on campus eating disorders prevention group, I know this is a terrible idea.  Sometime in the last 24 hours, I've made peace with all of this, and decided to give myself permission to lose the weight at my own pace, in a healthy way.  I learned two really important lessons from Ideal Protein back in the fall:
1) I can lose weight!  Until then, I had spent 20 years believing that I absolutely cannot lose weight, and that I am defective in some way, so all of my efforts just seemed like wastes of time,
2) I cannot keep the weight off if I lose it that fast, in a way that involves starving and eating nothing!  Again, as an intelligent person, I know this is true, but my ego still tells me that I'll be the exception to the rule.  Whatever.  I now know that I'm not.
So, as of today,  I'm about 2.5 weeks into what will be my LAST WEIGHT LOSS JOURNEY EVER. I've learned so much over the last 14 or so years of dieting (yes, this translates into dieting since age 6) and I think I'm finally ready to say fuck the diets and do it the way I know I'm supposed to.
So I'll be weighing in every Friday morning (that way I can drink away the sadness over the weekend haha), and hopefully as the weeks go by, the pounds will go bye!  (so lame)

Anyway, today my weight is 175.6
Here's to never seeing that number again.